I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
