So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
