Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
being pregnant is like rehab
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
