I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
this is an emotional support booty call
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
