Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
