I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
where are my eyebrows?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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