just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
