FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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