my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
