He is like the real live version of the state fair..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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