marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
