I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
