At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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