I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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