you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
