who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
