I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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