The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize