It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
