i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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