I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
