Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I've blown a few things in my day
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
