What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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