the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
