Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
