I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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