Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
from now on my penis is your penis
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
