The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
