How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
