new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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