I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
