Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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