it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
