He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize