You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
