highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
