o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
