So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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