So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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