She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
