I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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