OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
so let's talk penis.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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