I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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