You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
