I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
