ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
