I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
