she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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