how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
