new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
