I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
