i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize