You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
