i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
