i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
