dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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