just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
