after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
