Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i think my cat just said my name.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
