A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
